Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Church boner. Awkwardddd
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Randomize
