4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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