My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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