i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
I FOUND THE LEGS
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
Randomize
