Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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