So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
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