Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Randomize
