Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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