When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
Randomize
