I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
