We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Woke up backwards on a recliner
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Randomize
