It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Randomize
