I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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