i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
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