singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
I should be sponsored by Trojan
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
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