If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
