If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
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