how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
