i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
