Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
