I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
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