okay pat passed out under dana's car
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Randomize
