I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
