that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Randomize
