Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
