The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Randomize
