what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
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