Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
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