My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
Randomize
