You don't have asthma, your pregnant
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
