i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
