i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
