I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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