I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
