i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
