I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
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