he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
