got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
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