i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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