Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
