she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
I need to stop coming to work sober
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Randomize
