Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
