I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Randomize
