I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
The air was thick with penises
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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