yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
