I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
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