It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
