I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Randomize
