my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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