The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
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