Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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