my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
well most of my day revolves around power hour
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
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