How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Randomize
