i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
