closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Randomize
