I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I wish there were birth control emojis
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
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