i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Randomize
