That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
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