:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Ladies don't puke and tell
Randomize
