This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
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