Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
